Tribute

I took these photos last week, while in the midwest visiting family. To me it was an incredibly healing trip, completely unexpected & both a sad & joyous occasion. My aunt Jan has been dealt an incredibly difficult hand (several really)- having had cancer four times & i was called home to gather at her bedside in a circle of love. She was expected to only live a few days.

When I arrived she was curled up in her hospice bed, pale, almost white in color, with this incredible glow around her-she was very much on her way out. I felt incredibly honored to be that close to the dying process. I cant quite describe how she looked-- if it had been appropriate i would have taken a photo. She was so incredibly beautiful- achingly similar to the incredible bunch of white roses by her bedside-- pure, holy and ephemeral.

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A friend of hers, put our family up in her home- where she had a small garden, with some gorgeous echinaceas, referred to in the midwest affectionately as "coneflowers"- considered an ornamental. What struck me about seeing one of my favorite plant allies line the urban landscape is that medicine is all around us. And while i give many thanks for the possibilities that have been given to my Aunt that have helped her live an incredible life-- I feel even stronger in my convictions that I want to help people be WELL and celebrate life... and know good health.... from the ground up. It starts now... by honoring our land. Honoring our bodies and nourishing & supporting LIFE.

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Meanwhile, I post these images, as a prayer and as a tribute to my beautiful Aunt, whose health has improved dramatically in the past few weeks and who is still shining bright. Please hold her in your hearts- and the spirits of all those who are sick and suffering. May they feel the depth of beauty and peace... and feel deeply loved in and beyond life. May the power of earth mother never be forgotten and always honored, as we are born of and return to her.

Sun-Protectant Cream

For the past three seasons I have been making my own sunscreen & I have come up with a formula that I really like. These last two seasons I started testing it out on others. I was kinda nervous- like maybe it wouldn't work- but ALL have reported great success. One friend even compared it by putting spf 30 on one arm & my cream on the other with equal results... (though she doesn't strike me as a person who burns easily). I would rate it at more of an Spf 15-- but i think it needs to be applied OFTEN.


either way... i am putting it out there for you all to make (and share feedback)- especially since even the "natural" stuff on the market, is loaded with ingredients i wouldn't put on my skin.
my rule is: everything that goes ON my skin, can go in my body-- and though i haven't tried it yet, i could definitely eat this stuff! :) hooray!

as a warning, I did burn some delicate parts one day during a full on naked adventure-- but just those that were mighty pasty and probably shouldn't have been quite that exposed so early in the season. i did farm a whole summer using only this as my sunscreen- and no burns!

i am also including the basic recipe here for Rosemary Gladstar's Perfect Cream (I use her proportions to make most creams) & the sun cream recipe is based on Dina Falconi's "Sun Butter Face Cream" in her kick-ass book "Earthly Bodies, Heavenly Hair" by far the best DIY bodycare book out there. You can also find Rosemary's Cream recipe from her website. The sunscreen is a combination of the two: Rosemary's amounts with many Dina's ingredients, as well as some of my own additions.

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Rosemary’s Perfect Cream

Waters:
*2/3 cup distilled water (or hydrosol water)
*1/3 cup aloe vera gel
*2-10 drops essential oil of choice (optional)

Oils:

*3/4 cup apricot, almond, grapeseed or shea oil (aka the liquid oils)
*1/3 cup coconut oil or cocoa butter/or shea butter (or combination of) (also known as the solid oils)
*1/2 to 1 ounce grated beeswax
*optional: ¼ tsp lanolin
*optional: vitamin a and e as desired (in oil form or you can pop open a vitamin capsule or two and squeeze in)

Directions
Combine the waters (they should be at body temp). Heat the oils just enough to melt them and stir well. Put them in a blender and let them cool 'til they're thick and creamy and approximately body temperature. Put the blender on high and slowly slowly drizzle water into the center vortex of the oil mixture. When the blender coughs and chokes and the mixture looks like thick, white buttercream frosting, turn it off. You can slowly add more water by hand, beating with a spoon but don't overbeat! The cream will continue to thicken as it sets. Pour it into jars, store in a cool spot. I have had friends make batches that grow mold. To prevent this make sure you are storing your cream in well cleaned or sterilized jars, away from heat. If you are using a reused container, make sure to remove the inner cardboard ring. Also I prefer to use only distilled water over tap or well water, which has been evaporated then recondensed to remove bacteria and minerals.

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“What makes it perfect?” by Rosemary Gladstar

What makes our skin dry out is a lack of water, so a good moisturizing cream contains a large percentage of water. The oil you put in the formula coats, soothes, protects, and most important, holds in water. A perfect cream is an approximately equal balance of water and oil. If the oils and water separate. it is most likely because they weren’t at the correct temperature; the waters must be at room temp. and the oils must be completely cooled. If they separate, you can begin the process again to emulsify.


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For the suncream, I basically follow the same proportions (though i like to add more "water" part to make the cream lighter) with some or all of the following ingredients. I have switched it up a lot-- feel free to experiment with any combination of oils and waters.


Water Parts:
*Distilled h2o
*rose water or lavender hydrosol or both
*aloe vera gel


Sun Protectant Liquid Oils:
*Jojoba Oil
*St. Johns Wort Infused Oil
*Sesame Oil

Optional: I am now experimenting with other infused oils: in my current batch I am infusing the sesame oil with green tea, holy basil, gotu kola and rosemary-- all either anti-oxidant or UV-protective herbs. Also for folks who already have or are prone to skin damage/cancers- adding an infused oil of chaga may be helpful for its anti-tumor effects and preventing excess growth.


Sun Protectant Solid Oils:
*Coconut Oil
*Shea Butter
*Cocoa Butter


Optional: Warm up the distilled water and stir in 1 tablespoon PABA powder. Let the mix cool down before blending. *see notes below


All other ingredients are the same: i.e. don't forget the beeswax & aloe vera! Just mix and match as you please using about 3/4 cup liquid oils and 1/3 cup solid oils, and approximately equal "water" parts-- as long as you use some liquid oils, some solid oils, some "waters" including aloe vera gel-- in the proportions given in Rosemarys cream recipe. For example, this year I made mine with jojoba and sesame as my liquid oils and coconut and cocoa butter as my solid oils,though I really felt it was missing the extra protection of the shea butter. Combinations of oils, seem to create more protection that just one or two mixed.


* There was a lot of hoop-la in the 80s/90's about folks being allergic to PABA. While i won't deny that some folks may truly be allergic to it, I have tried this cream on folks who thought they were, with absolutely no reaction. PABA is a member of the B vitamin family and increases the skins ability to resist burns and sun damage and protects specifically against UVB rays. It is thought my many (the author included) many of those people were more likely reacting to the all the other shit in sunscreen, though i would certainly exercise caution if you believe you are sensitive to PABA. I have made the cream without it, but really think its better with it, and PABA's effects are increased by combining it with other sun-protectant oils. Having said all that, there are mixed reviews about its sun-protectant qualities. It is well proven to protect from burns, but the newer sunscreens are more "broad-spectrum" focused meaning that protect from both UVA and UVB rays and both types are now thought to contribute to sun-cancer, whether or not your skin actually burns. Seems PABA was taken out of sunscreen as well, due to one study proposing its effect as cancer-causing, because its absorbs UV rays, rather than reflecting them. This study is poorly sited and there have been no others like it, but I wanted to give you all the facts for your own research. The solids oils in this recipe are said to reflect UVA rays, though I haven't confirmed that with research. In the end I am still searching for the natural sun-screen solution, but am pretty pleased with this recipe in the meantime*

Pollinators

With a growing awareness in the honey bee and pollinator population and their recent decline- we have been called to ask questions about how our current way of living is impacting all living beings. We ask if cell phones or genetically modified organisms or mono-cropping are to blame for the disappearance of these magical and vital creatures? But, the evidence has been inconclusive. My opinion is that it is the asking of the questions that is most important and not the answers. That fact that we have to ask these questions says something HUGE about the way we are living. How would these things not effect us all? How could they not influence all health and well-being?

The same can be asked for us-- how is our culture of fast paced, toxic and oversized, mass produced living affecting our our own health and vitality? Our own bodies? How is it creating its own sickness? The question "what is true health and wellness?" leads us to look outside of ourselves and question that around us. My interest in the bees-- is my own question and also my own reminder of what is true health: to savor the sweet, the beautiful, and the profound. It is my own path to well being.

spring love: violets

it's spring and i am in love.....

with this abundant, beautiful and momentary beauty! precious, precious gifts of spring: violets!!!!

my deepest love, only second to roses (oh & holy basil.... and... well... you know how it goes). but violets were truly the first plant that really FOUND me & touched me-- on both a deep and subtle level. violets sprung up in abundance in my life.... in a time of beginning loneliness and isolation a few years back. as they popped up all over... i truly began to feel soothed and surrounded by these new friends, by their energy and love.

and i so rejoice in seeing them return spring after spring-- a little message of hope and partnership --- the gifts of the earth.

when i set out to share in blog-style, i really did envision something more "scholarly" or informative on a plant medicine level... but as you may already have gathered and i am really coming to define, to me, the spiritual is medicinal. and this is how i perceive plants. so willing to offer themselves, their beauty, their love, their knowledge & medicine. their spirit. we are so blessed. spring provides that reminder in so many small ways......

-----------------------------so, i'll pretend to formally educate you for a bit.....


*my favorite way to invite violets into my self and healing (beyond just praising their name as i joyfully pass of touch them about the land) is as .....food.

i love nothing more than putting a spring salad together. young garden greens with wild additions-- my favorites are both the violet leaves and flowers as well as mild mustard flowers and dandelion greens. Violets are a good source of vitamin c as well as flavonoids.

*violets make a delicious tea-- made as a cold infusion (pour room temperature water over the (chopped up) leaves and flowers and let steep for several hours) to retain the mucilaginous properties in the plant. This tea is soothing for a sore throat, cough or upset belly. I also love infusing a handful of violet leaves and flowers in honey (let it sit several weeks, before straining out) to use in the same way. The combination of violets and honey is particularly soothing to the throat, and can be added to teas.

*Freshly dried or wilted violet leaves and flowers also infuse nicely into oil. Violet infused oil makes a great massage oil for the breasts, especially those with fibrocystic conditions. Violet has a traditional use as a lymphatic decongestant- and this sweet little plant has been used traditionally to treat cancers.

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i think of violets as healing to the emotional heart (wonder why?).... nice in formulas for heartbreak and for soothing sadness of the heart. Last summer, an herbalist friend described using violets to help give softness & sweetness to folks who had started to "harden" or tense in their bodies as a form of protection from emotional pain......awwwww. violets help to ease us open to love and tenderness.

so beautiful!!!

healing the creative self

"Health is more than the absence of disease; it is our individual undoing and continual unfolding as we strive to awaken the heart of consciousness."

mother maya tiwari



fair forewarning: this post is about to get personal. real personal.

i am about to introduce you to.... my vulva.

(another fair forewarning: damn, this post is long (beats my first post). perhaps, ever evolving. I started it weeks ago and then life got busy, but i wanted to go ahead and publish it in its raw and incomplete form-- and let it evolve on its own.)
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now, i hate to start this off with so many tangents and prefaces, but a few must be made.

first off, the topic of language.... I like to use a variety to words to describe my body and my processes. vulva isn't actually one i am all that fond of-- but is more anatomically correct and is more accurately what we are generally referring to when we say "vagina". you probably know by now, that "vagina" really only refers to one part of the body and not the wholeness of place, the entire shebang-- strictly speaking, vagina refers to just the vaginal canal or opening. it is a word rooted in latin, meaning sheath for the sword. insert your own critique here. 'nough said! its not my favorite word.

though, in thinking about it lately, i thought we could really radicalize and take back the word-- perhaps as.... a place in which lies our secret and most powerful weapon-- the creative power and strength of the spiritual warrior. hmm.. it could grow on me.

a word that i especially like is... yoni. but this needs its own introduction. Yoni comes from sanskrit, Indo-Aryan language, one of many languages of India, meaning "cosmic gateway or womb; source of creation". while i generally have strong feelings come up in regards to "borrowing" language-- as an extension of cultural appropriation, I really like this word and feel alright in my use of it. First off, the english language seriously lacks a good choice of positive and accurate words for this deeply spiritual, meaningful, sacred place; and secondly, i truly see my yoni or my vulva as such-- a source of creation and deep power. i feel really aligned in knowing there is a good word to describe that, that came before me and can move on in time.

as a final preface: I like to also use the word womb-en for "women". In part, I think the word provides more accurate meaning and symbolism and because I am striving to make this conversation as inclusive as possible. womb is the closest word we have to yoni (though its tied in with a lot of cultural connotation that could be dropped, implying that it is a "reproductive" place) and greatly expresses the inherent potentiality and power of housing a creative source. Also, i use the word womb-en hoping to include anyone who really resonates with having a womb, or a creative force- a place from which ideas, feelings, creative process and growth are born. Not all "women" are born with "female" bodies and genitalia, and not all people who are labeled as "women" identify as such. This is meant to include people of all stripes: tranny men and women, intersex, men with wombs, women who weren't born such or labeled such at birth. If i end up excluding or offending anyone, please let me know. it's hard to deprogram so much cultural training, but i'd like to try to start by opening up the conversation and language.

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now... where were we? so, you've been introduced to my yoni. i am currently in the process of really getting to know this cosmic place myself. inhale.

i will attempt a more recent time line.......

a few weeks ago, i was persuaded by my school's free clinic to go get a check-up and perhaps a diagnosis for some of my chronic yoni troubles. Specifically I have been having extreme ovarian pain on one side of my body when i bleed-- that is much different than the usual cramping that accompanies my cycle, much more consuming and frankly, worrisome. simply put, it fucking hurts and i really want it not to. My usual pain relieving techniques don't touch it-- and i usually spend the first day of my cycle, curled up in the fetal position, praying to anyone who will listen, or pacing around my house with my hot water bottle and sipping calming herbal tea.

Also, I have been trying to identify and heal two tiny wounds (fissures- or non-healing sores) that appeared on my perineum, almost two years ago. They were incorrectly diagnosed as herpes- twice !!!! until blood tests revealed negative results. These wounds appeared just weeks after a difficult breakup-- and contributed greatly to its further complication, pain and messy aftermath-- and I couldn't help but observe the auspicious timing of self-manifesting wounds in one of the most vulnerable place on my body. I always acknowledged this-- but, on some level knew I wasn't ready to heal. there was a lot of healing work to be done that I wasn't yet ready to fully engage in- wasn't ready to OPEN myself that much, when all I wanted was to feel safe and protected. So, I had been more or less ignoring them or cursing their name, with intervals of applying herbal remedies-- but, no dice.

My most recent appointment with the gynecologist was overall, surprisingly positive. It can be such a dis-empowering experience to have some random stranger stick their shit up you, while you're lying in the worst position ever (not even reserved for lovers) and stripped down to paper thin (sometimes, actually paper) medical gown. then you have to listen, while this person tells you about YOUR body-- and often can't tell you much at all anyway- or like from my past, can give false or inaccurate information. shiiiii-it!

but i really liked this woman- she was very respectful and really validated my own inner knowing. i was very clear i was only there to get a diagnosis so that i could fine tune my herbal treatments- and she was in full support (more often perceived as a threat to the doctors' role) and she was pretty honest that she'd be unlikely to give me much diagnostic information without a series of other costly and invasive tests. She gave me some great suggestions and said we could check back in and look at further ideas if things didn't improve, including the ever pleasant trans-vaginal ultrasound (i.e. camera up your crotch).

So I came home, feeling empowered with a healing agenda and I wrote all my herbal girlfriends for advice and support. and damn, did i get it!!! I can not understate the role support has in healing. it feels so good to know that all these amazing goddesses are putting their prayers out in the world for me.

The night before my appointment, my lover asked me if I was worried about having something "serious" and i said i might be if i weren't so damn excited about all the studying i'd get to do on new conditions!! *As a side note if you are interested in learning about addressing or just gathering information about herpes and herbal healing (the medical world is full of misinformation and pessimistic news, oh and drug-pushing)- please contact me-- i was living and breathing this reality for several months, when I thought I had it. the research was the fun part- the only fun part. * So, I've started seriously doing my homework (and felt like sharing).....

For now, I am treating the pain as some form of stagnation (perhaps cysts?) and trying a variety of approaches with the fissures. I am very lucky for not only support, but good resources. I am loaded with good herbal healing books (i will list some throughout), not to mention an incredible love & belief in plants. Plants are how i usually the path i walk to my own healing-- but I know, not everyone has this amount of access. I hope to share ways to heal without very many external tools.

But for me, herbs are at my fingertips. It is our exchange, our reciprocal relationship that draws me to using the plants that grace my life, for deep healing- i love them and they love me. and truly i am beginning to see more and more--- it is the loving spirit embodied in the plant that does the real healing. this deeply embedded knowing -told from stories of the soil, stories of the earth, the earth which knows great pain, regeneration and deep healing- simply awakens and touches my own internal healing spirits. the plants just give momentum to the forces inside of me, like a gentle shove and reminder:

you can heal. you are whole. you are beautiful.

i think this can happen for folks through any calling and pathway of their choosing. i truly believe you can heal on your own- without tangible or conceptual "medicine. " Love, prayer and support- are truly the ultimate recipe for healing.

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So in the midst of my researching and excited planning.... I started to receive all sorts of messages- particularly in dreams. The night after the appointment, I had one very specific, violating dream about an ex, who i had shared myself with in uncompromising and damaging ways. I have many mental and emotional scars and de-programming yet to do in regards to this relationship and felt really upset to have that energy reappear in my life in any way at all, even in dreamland. It was a comfort to wake up- and choose another reality & it brought up all sorts of tucked away feelings-- about all the many negative, abusive relationships I have had in my life, particularly as a womb-an.

I realized this comes in the form of any suppression of my creative self and inner truth-- not giving voice to those inner messages. I started to make connections to all sorts of specific events, in which my beauty and meaning and creative willingness-- deepest love from within- was misused, mistreated or denied. This is its own abuse. I had always felt my love and openness were my purest, sweetest gifts-- and I started to see in what ways this vulnerability and willingness in me had been damaged.... how i had held myself back in certain ways, patterned by fear and pain.

the next several nights, I dreamt of other lovers- all bringing with them, their own personal message and meaning. I had started down the path of self-healing and what I wasn't considering during the day was presenting itself at night... like, oh you think you're on to something?!! don’t forget this! :) My dreams were revealing my less rational, and more embodied depth of feeling--i count my many blessings.

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Part of why I think I am feeling so open to all these messages, is that one week ago I started to do "the Artists Way-a Spiritual Path to Higher Creativity" by Julia Cameron. I had seen the book for years, but never really inspected it. I think in part because I never really considered myself an "artist". but in my first committed week of this several month journey (sorry to sound all sales pitchy)- i have already (re)discovered so much about myself and really tapped into my creative potential. Auspicious timing, I'd say. I have particularly enjoyed the "morning pages"-- three pages of free write, every morning. They can be used in a variety of ways, but one general idea is that this format allows for space to let go off all the shit that intersects and blocks our creativity. for me, it has really served well in this way. I look forward to this morning ritual, where sometimes I just write about what i want to do that day, and how stressed I am that I am just sitting there writing and not doing; but I am certainly exploring; giving voice to my whispered thoughts!!! it helps put me in order. it helps set routine and purpose to my activities.

this is huge for me!!!! I have been traveling for so long, and moving around from place to place and never really letting myself create "home" and I am only now really feeling how routine serves me. As, I add more things in: create healthy habits and make good choices, I make space for more; its an incredible cycle, and truthfully there's nothing more motivating than feeling good. This includes a more serious commitment to incorporating all my healing practices into my daily life- making and taking medicine, taking baths, praying, making artwork, moving my body.
Its amazing....the number of ways we can stand in the way of our own healing process!
lack of routine was a huge barrier for me that i keep recreating in my life.

The writing also allows for a lot of self-exploration- of any silly, insignificant or huge topic....spiraling of story. including the explorations and insights of my yoni healing. Not to mention, that I have come up with a huge list of suppressed (stagnant?) creative interests that I wasn't even in touch with. Picking up on any parallels yet? I am excited to see where it all goes-- and truly value this assignment I have given myself, as a tool in healing and redefining my creative womb-en-hood. amen!

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So, I've started to slowly (baby steps... there's so much to do on the path of healing & there's nothing quite like trying to do too much and becoming discouraged enough to not do any of it) and am remaining open to the messages. I won't get too too specific about herbal treatments-- especially since I as of yet to put my disclaimer out there for this site (basically says "herbalists are not allowed to treat, diagnose, prescribe or cure any disease. this advice is not meant to take the place of your medical providers." but really, more simply put, do your research. the best advice i think is to check in with at three books/resources and compare information about a plant you'd like to take, plus check for contraindications or warnings. and and and, make sure your resources are written by real herbalists-- by this i mean, people who actually work and engage with plants and aren't just information gatherers or researchers. experience counts!!! and research both historical and traditional use of the plants to see how they compare to modern use. also just to say, this is my story and my approach that i happily share-- but seriously, do your research. empower yourself. do what feels best for you. and don't underestimate when you need more help than you are able to give yourself- and even when you think you don’t - ask around, get ideas! get feedback! share!)

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so...here are some of the more specific ways I have begun to heal my yoni and my creative self, and how we all can:

1. allowing space for process-- through prayer, artwork, asking for support, writing!!!, journaling, listening to my dreams, getting in touch with old wounds, joining a co-counseling class, using my voice, words, and my body to share my stories. i try to do a little dancing every morning. just cause.
Some of my inspirations for artwork, which have really evolved in this process, include:

*creating prayer flags (for myself and for my loved ones)--- including specific prayers on how i want my healing to look and feel, prayers for my continual creative blossoming and unfolding and prayers of healing for all people who are suffering & especially for our earth mother.

* writing a letter to my yoni-- i actually got this idea from some of the homework from the artists way. the specific instruction was to "write out one happy piece of encouragement. mail it to yourself or to the long-lost mentor." hmm...

*creating an altar or shrine for healing. here, i have included some of my healing oils, tinctures and photos of plants that are very sacred or protective to me. I imagine this to continue to evolve over time. other things could be: more visuals- pictures & artwork, letters, poetry, a prayer box, tokens and sweet whispering of friends, and of course, elements from nature: shells, dried or fresh plants, stones, water.

*i have taken a renewed (what used to be supressed) interest in pottery, creating with my hands!!! earth touching manifestation. this also came out of my homework from the artists way when i let myself explore the number of ways in which i myself or people in my life had discouraged me from pursuing the things i love or am drawn to. so this week, i am doing research into local potters and classes--- and looking to incorporate this form of creative expression into my life. coincidentally, bowls are said to symbolize mother earth and the womb.

*also i am working on the final stages of a tattoo i have been planning for years- a very symbolic and permanent expression to remind myself of my truth, beauty and inner path. when i went to meet the artist/tattoo-er the other day, i found out by the time my work is done, she will have moved her business into an herb shop!! oh my bliss-- i get to get inked, amongst my friends- the herbs. how perfect is that?

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2.healing baths and vaginal steams!!! (insert joyful noises here)
the bath is somewhat self explanatory, but can be as simple or complicated as you like: as long as it's intentional. very basic idea: fill a tub with warm water, add flowers, herbs and oils of your choice (perhaps in a muslin cloth) and set aside this quiet time for healing. let the spirit of the plants embrace you. adding some salts to the bath is also nice, because they draw out toxins-- both physical, and i would extend that to mental, impurities and things held in. one of my favorite pre-bath activities is self massage-- the oils actually penetrate further into your skin, in the hot water. this is so deeply healing and calming. sesame oil is a nice choice for people who are nervous or agitated--warming and calming- and you could infuse some with lovely herbs of course to make it extra yummy (see: previous post on decadent coconut rose oil, my favorite creation ever!)

other forms include using specific herbs for deeper healing-- from infections, wounds, abuse, etc. this could be done in the same way, or by making a strong decoction of herbs of choice (simmered for 20 plus minutes, covered) and add it to a bath half full of warm water and squat over the tub, inviting healing water inside yourself by basically squeezing your butt/muscles. Hold the water in and release. Repeat several times. rest in the warm water. I would also like to state in the case of really trying to emotionally or physically release (specifically from any trauma or pain including rape, miscarriage, abortion, deep emotional pain, etc) some folks would rather "bathe" my pouring healing water over themselves, and watch the water drain away while letting go and releasing memories & feelings.

on to my new favorite… yoni steams!!!
oh my goddess!! this is decadence at its finest! my roommate and i had "ladies night" a few days ago-- and we tried our first yoni steams ever, while we hennaed our hair, and luxuriated in clay facials. yuuuuuum.


here's how it's done:
boil water and add to a big bowl or pot with a handful of healing herbs and/or oils. Make yourself comfy-- take off those clothes and find a relaxing way to sit over the water steam (with a towel wrapped around you to keep in the warmth). Warning: lower yourself slowly and carefully over this- and make sure the water is not too hot! Some suggestions include sitting on a futon frame without the mattress,rather just over the slates or remove some slates from a wooden chair to sit over. I have also heard of folks resting the bowl of steaming water inside the toilet and sitting comfortably over it on the seat...... or perhaps 5 gallon buckets (your local food co-op would probably have extra to give away or sell for a low price). My roommate and I are hooked!!! we are planning to devise yoni steam seats-- perhaps toilet seats over cute painted wooden boxes?! maybe they can live in our garden- and we can do moonlight steams!

some of the herbs i chose were:

roses --of course! for love and spiritual healing. also an astringent & toning to the skin and wounds.

calendula --i like this plant and its relation to the yoni, as a flower that opens and closes with a daily rhythm. it also is a lymphatic decongestant, anti-microbial, reduces inflammation and promotes healing.

mugwort or artemesia vulgaris-- related to the goddess Artemis, associated with lunar energy, fertility, menstruation and childbirth. also warming and stimulating.

ginger --warming, stimulates movement and flow.

and yarrow- wound healing & protective.

I steamed for about half an hour-- (really, I couldn't get enough !) then wrapped myself up to protect my exposed body and got cozy for the evening.

All three of these water-healing techniques can be used for any of the following: menstrual pain, infections, sores, stagnant conditions, sexually transmitted infections, trauma, loss, and just for giving yourself and your yoni some damn good loving!!!


A lot of my ideas around these therapies come from a few books including:

"Women's Power to Heal Through Inner Medicine" by Sri Swamini Mayatitananda or "Mother Maya". This book is kind of the Indian/Ayurvedic equivalent to Christiane Northrup's "Women's Bodies, Women's Wisdom" (also an amazing book)-- both so moving and so profound. She covers all issues of the yoni, in a wonderful cultural, spiritual and holistic context, as well as given in depth definition to the yoni. I am specifically very touched by her thoughts on how our relationships to our yonis are connected to our relationship to mother earth- as a whole. What we do to the earth, we do to ourselves.

In some ways this is a very scary thought, considering the damage that's been done on our planet and the land, but absolutely there is a conscious shift that's taking place and so much we can do by holding the earth with deep reverence, gratitude and respect. Christiane Northrup also brings this up in her books, saying that when world disasters strike-- her well woman clinic is overwhelmed by folks coming in with nonspecific pain and deep, wounded conditions: they feel the pain of the earth in their bodies. There's so much work to be done here but one place I believe we can start is by seeing our own bodies as temples: places of beauty and divinity and deep love. and extend that outward. your body is your home. and so is the earth. plant a garden, tend a little plot of land, observe animals, walk in the woods or even just observe that powerful dandelion bursting up through the sidewalk cracks, get to know your plant friends, vote for environmental protection of land and rights for first peoples of this nation and all nations.

"Herbal Healing for Women" by Rosemary Gladstar. I cannot say enough good about this book or this amazing woman. She has probably done more than anyone in this country to really bring herbalism from a broken lineage back into the hands of the people. This book is a healing classic- and so very empowering. She has many other publications, but this is geared specially towards "women's" bodies. I will say here, that all three books listed above, are not specifically trans-friendly, but do offer incredible stories and information.

The work of Dr. Rosita Arvigo, who studied under Mayan medicine man Don Elijio Panti, who gracefully shared his lifetime of work. Her website includes all of her books including "Satsun" (the only work of hers I have actually read-- but moved me beyond words. it chronicles the beautiful unfolding of her apprenticeship with her Mayan mentor, and is a small window into an entire culture and practice of spiritual healing.) She also wrote "Spiritual Bathing" and trains practitioners in a specific massage technique: "The Arvigo Techniques of Maya Abdominal Massage” founded on the traditional Mayan form of abdominal massage, "an external non invasive manipulation that repositions internal organs that have shifted, thereby restricting the flow of blood, lymph, nerve and chi." I know of many folks who have used and praised this wonderful healing practice. Practitioners are listed on her website.


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3. Herbal Techniques-- including teas, poultices, external powders, washes, tinctures, flower essences, healing oils, essential oils, the list goes on and on......

this post is getting pretty long already but just to say, I am using a lot of herbs on a daily basis to assist in my healing process. I would love to write some future posts about specific forms and specific herbs in yoni healing-- but want to say too, that it's a very personal, individualized process (let me know if you need more resources or want another heart and head to fine tune your herbal approach). Many of the herbs I use are strictly based on intuition and heart feeling. Many I use because they appear again and again in my research. Others I dream of....

A few years ago, while I was dating the man whose breakup proceeded the fissures, I had a dream that he showed me his garden of "teasel". I had heard of this plant in passing, but never seen it. My herb mentors had always said to pay attention to the blessing of having an herb show itself to you in a dream. I felt honored but did not think much of it until last summer at the herb farm where i was working, when I was finally introduced to this plant. From first view, I knew this was a special plant. in my initial week, we hosted a public garden tour, led by the farm's herbalist, who told stories and insights about some of the plants in the garden as we walked through winding paths of fragrant and beautiful spirits. I had been waiting to hear what she would say about Teasel. When we got to it, I was sitting on the earth, and listened as she told the story of watching a bird with a broken wing, hop over and drink water out of the teasel plant daily for a summer, until she was healed and flew away (its leaf nodes form little bowls where water pools). She went on say that she eventually learned about using teasel to "heal that which has been broken" a translation of the Chinese name (often used specifically to heal broken bones). I really could only laugh: sometimes my life is so serendipitous and amazing, its all I can do. breath it in deeply. i felt so blessed to recieve a message through my self, through a plant, and through a person whom i had experienced deep unresolved pain with. I was absolutely enamored with this plant the rest of summer; felt strong around it and blessed to have its healing power. I was reminded of this again recently -- my dream and premonition of teasel, and was wanting to find a way to incorporate it in my current healing process-- I wanted a dried teasel flower to put on my altar, but had spent my recent travels doling them out to friends, like a healing fairy and didn’t have one left for me. I was feeling in a funk today, a bit sad, and went on a walk- and found a place near an abandoned garden to rest and meditate. I was sitting in one very specific place for about half an hour before I noticed-- a few dried teasel plants under the weeds. I took a few home to love and be with me, and remind me to stay open to healing.

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4. developing a healthy relationship with our menstrual cycles- including menopause. or if you don't bleed- allowing space and gentleness for the ebb and flow of your self and your creative process. we all have a flow and a rhythm: work with it. nurture it.

I have been working on a healthy relationship with my cycle for so many years that it was almost overlooked in this process. this can look like a lot of things, but i would encourage all of us to look at the ways in which this life process is so undervalued and mistreated in our culture. Anatomically speaking, there's an entire industry of profiteers, bent on trying to make us think our bleeding doesn't really happen and should be hidden (intense pain killers, tampons, SCENTED! tampons and pads- all loaded with chemicals, prescribing birth control for folks who don't want to deal with the mess or their emotions!!!!)
fuck that! fuck all of it! and don't try and tell me that those chemicals aren't doing any damage, when they're hanging out a regular basis in one of the most vulnerable places in the body. and those chemicals are ending up in our soil and in our drinking water.

there are so many ways in which healing from this negative programming can look like. i'd like to share two here, that I am well versed in, only because i feel i can speak more strongly from my experience. there are so many ways to resist! and rise up & reclaim our bodies!

one) commiting to honoring myself and my process & the feelings that come up in my cycle. I wrote a more extensive post about what this looks like to me, and really honor the ways in which it looks and feels to you. What i will say here is: be kind to yourself. be gentle and good and sweet. this is a very vulnerable and sometimes fragile process. treat yourself well. hell, treat yourself to whatever you need. and be mindful of what is truly nurturing. I have been known to take this to the extreme: I am feeling grumpy & premenstrual and I just wanna hole up and drink wine and eat chocolate and cry, and goddammit, no one is gonna stop me! but this only serves me so much. indulging in this once a month, feels fine, but days on end... well... that doesn’t really serve me in the long run.

what serves me and what I do when i I am more in touch with the my true needs… I do things like: take herbs in advance that I know will help my grumpiness or my cramps, schedule time off from activities that pull too much energy from me, and eat good nourishing foods. also, I chart my cycle and pay close attention to where I am at, what it feels like, noting patterns and energies that repeat themselves. there’s so much to learn from this. often just knowing that I am premenstrual, i am able to honor myself more and give myself more love and tenderness. this really feeds me.


make a list of things that feel good at that time. share it with friend and lovers. reference it when you're feeling at a loss. be brave: ask for support. i dream of a menstrual phone tree- with friends cycles' and corresponding comforting/nurturing desires listed. we could take turns pampering each other when in need.

the same goes for any let down or block or release of any creative process. nobody feels that aligned all of the time. you are allowed to lack inspiration, create less than ideal pieces of work, have bad days. but really, has giving yourself a hard time about it really served you in the past? it certainly hasn't worked for me despite the number of times i think to grab this from my toolbox of techniques. really love yourself in whatever way that looks like, in all your forms. remove judgment from feelings; just feel!

two) get involved in your cycle- look at it, touch it, examine it, know it.
I thought of this the other day when I was washing out my (reusable) cloth menstrual pads. I feel so lucky to see and feel my own blood. I have been bleeding on these organic cotton pads almost half of my bleeding years. I fucking love my cute little menstrual pads. i have a thing for going into new co-ops and health food stores & perusing for the locally made blood rags. some people collect stamps, i collect cute things to bleed on. :)

They can seem like a big investment up front, but hear this: I've been using mine for so long, that means, except in case of emergency (oh and the token really cute locally made pad I just can’t resist), I haven't spent a dime on shit to bleed on since my initial investments over five years ago. not to mention, the money is going to support small, often women-owned companies, who likely care more about your body and the earth than some high-up on the corporate ladder, pondering how else he can profit on the natural processes of half the population. when i was building up my collection, and working on a budget I went so far as asking for some for Christmas- and santa really hooked it up.

There are a number of companies I like a lot: Gladrags and Lunapads --- check em out; they also make other amazing menstrual products like the diva or luna cup, and special period underwear, as well as have extensive feedback and tips on how to clean and maintain their products!!! and don't forget to support your local artist. and shit! be your own local artist!! they are so simple to make. i suggest finding one that's your favorite and modeling after theirs. search online for patterns.

As a final note, another barrier for folks can be the care and dedication of dealing with your mess-- it is not as easy, as throwing it all away, and certainly a bit more complicated without your own washing machine--but I do it and i am here to tell you: it can be done... those pads have seen many a laundry mat. I often do a nice hand wash first and at least a soak to draw out the blood (plants love this water!!) and so enjoy getting to be involved in my own bloody mess.

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5. Putting belief, energy and prayer into healing
This can not be understated, and absolutely has the the ability to cure, without any other modality. there are a lot ways this can look from simple to complicated, as long as it's personal. it only requires commitment. in the few days that i have been working on this post and really examining all this, my fissures have all but disappeared. how's that for energy work? Its not to say, they won't come back-- there are some things I know i must do first- on a spiritual, intuitive level- but damn, my yoni is loving the attention and responding positively.

Affirmations are a beautiful way to put our prayers into action. My yoni is a healthy, whole, spiritual vessel for my love. I commit to healing my body. I am capable, able and strong.

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6. Healing our sexuality
Damn, this is such a huge topic and i won't tell you how to do it... but it seemed silly to leave out. perhaps, deserves its own post as well. For my current healing in this area, I have been just talking a lot more about "sex" and working to define my sexuality: wants, needs and desires, processing wounds & trauma, sharing stories and listening. As its one of my favorite topics, I also joined a new friend to create a supportive group to continue exploring sexual topics. last week we met up to define and discuss our ideas which I am sure will evolve, but for now we are a "Radical Sexual Health Study Group" aspiring to become an active group to discuss, share and explore topics of our choice with. This can be in the form of writing papers, creating music, art, dance, theater, zines, teaching classes, creating handouts or in the case of my new my lovely new herb friend, sewing gigantic ovaries and fallopian tubes to help teach the workings of the body. there is also talk of sex-positive porn and popcorn night!!! i am so in!

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7. Commiting to Creating Access
Not to be excluded, healing is never limited t0 our own selves. Healing others, healing land, healing relationships..... this energy benefits all who suffer, all who are in pain.

and I am absolutely blessed to have access to resources, money, work, information, classes, plants, medicine and a spread of healing techniques. There are so many who do not have this.
I recognize the privilege, power & advantages I have been given. Where I once felt mostly guilt around this, I realize this doesn’t serve me or anyone and am choosing to accept it as blessingand use that power to create radical social change in the world. i refuse to turn a cheek to this issue.

this is an huge topic of it's own, but i have hope for herbal medicine as an accessible and affordable healing modality. as its stands, The World Health Organizations states that over 80% of the world uses herbal and traditional medicines for their primary source of health care. this is real medicine of the people! first off, as of yet, there is no patent on herbal medicine- you can and should make your own healing products (look for posts in the future). to quote hip-hop artist, talib kweli- "medicine is big business, so my remedies is herbal."..... man, how long have i been waiting to reference someone who raps about homebirth and herbs!!??

Also, you can grow and wildcraft your own herbs for medicine. you can buy seeds with food stamps- this sometimes excludes the "medicinal" plants, but definitely includes the culinary herbs: thyme, oregano, marjoram (all warming, anti-spasmodic, antiseptic), cilantro (pulls heavy metals from the body) and basil (anti-fungal and anti-bacterial). Herbalism is founded in empowerment- getting involved in your own healing- listening to yourself, being listened to, making radical change within yourself, mind, body and spirit.

There are a few free/sliding scale herbal clinics across the country (contact me if you are looking for one in your area) which offer not only affordable (or free!) consults and medicine, but empowering and informative classes. If you are a person of privilege and wider access, considering donating on the higher end of the suggestion to help support these organizations and to help those who have less to offer.
hell, start your own free clinic, or offer some of your time to an already formed organization that offers affordable medicine in your area. Buy an extra community garden plot to donate to a family in need. donate your garden extras to your local foodbank and food not bombs! If you have a skill- share it- either for free, or barter your services. Teach classes for free (if this seems daunting, considering asking for non-profits to donate for the costs of supplies. My old food co-op paid for the supplies, advertising and handouts for classes I would teach, as well as give me an amazing discount in trade for my services.) Join organizations like TimeDollars, and extend your services to areas that are underserved. and don't just feel good about putting your money or time into deserving places; really engage with the needs of people and what they want and ask for. Educate yourself! it's easy to be green-washed: but it goes sooooooooo far beyond supporting labels like organic and fairtrade-- who are the real people behind your purchases? support your local homegrown, companies when you can. Know where your food, medicine and water are coming from. these are but small steps and i recognize their hypocrisy and imperfections including access to travel, access to land, general access to education and resources.

Lack of access and support, can especially become barriers for folks of color, minority of any kind, genderqueer, LGBTQI (Lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer, intersex. i have never seen really seen the "i" here, but where the hell is the "i" for intersex?), homeless, youth, elders, impoverished, disabled and a variety of folks on the whole wide spectrum for a variety of reasons. question this. Be mindful-- of your own choices, thoughts, language and actions that may further contribute to racism, classism, sexism... all the isms. consider how you be an ally.

a few lgbqti resources:
Third Root Community Health Center in Brooklyn, NY-- an herbal healing and yoga center working to end oppression through education, healing and inclusion. Their site has great links for accessible health care for the queer and trans community, elders and people of color. (Let me know if you need more info on access to trans-specific care providers-- i have a small list from Third Root.) Also, from here you can email herbalist Jacoby Ballard, for his amazing zine called "Trans-Care. What to eat and supplements and herbs to help prepare and heal you around surgery times!"

a great resource, for herbalists and other health-care workers wanting to be more inclusive to the trans-community and other vulnerable populations, is a hand-out put out by the Transgender Law Center-- "Ten Tips for Working with Transgender Individuals"-- which can be found here, amongst their other amazing publications.

Creating access is a priority in my life and in my healing. I chose my school program, because it's foundation is self education and free medicine. I don't take either lightly- and think its all meant to be shared, accessed and available.

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8. Support-- don't be afraid to ask for this. people love you. and want to see you healthy, whole and happy. and frankly most of us adore being asked to play a supportive role to folks we love. support could include a good group of friends who you can call on, a specific group that meets to exchange health dialouge- in real life or online, or a verbalized commitment from lovers and family to support health and healing as a priority.

this extends to sharing. let your stories be known. this has obviously been a huge and perhaps risky and revealing way for me to do such (the scorpio in me worries I have no more secrets to tell) --- but i have recieved SO much positive feedback and support to keep pushing me on, and my story has so evolved and spiraled into its own form. I know myself so much better because of it, which is immeasurable to my healing process.

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I am still not sure how to blend all this together-- when I read through it, it feels a bit all over the place-- bit of this and that- tangents and sub tangents-- perhaps, a bit like me and my process: gathering all the pieces and inspirations and trying to make something of them. trying to share. trying to give meaning. it's a lesson in self-acceptance, vulnerabiltiy... and willingness.

whew!!! damn. um, what else can i possibly say? thank you for reading. and let me know your stories in healing your creative selves.

in love and gratitude.

fungus friend

this is a mushroom i am coming to recognize and admire here in the northeast.

turkey tail. trametes versicolor.

i think this mushroom is my new friend (blush).

a little sunshine in winter

i have this incredible love and appreciation of seeing plants in all their forms and incarnations. I especially feel a tenderness in putting plants to rest in my garden at the end of their growing season. The perennials, I can trust with great faith and respect, will come back around, after their time of deep slumber and darkness. and the annuals, i ceremoniously compost, sometimes with sadness and longing in my heart, but knowing that they will shift, morph and tranform into some dank richness, something to build from, wisdom and knowing, rooted in possibility . i love what plants teach us. god, how many metaphors could i make here?

i feel so blessed to have such beautiful teachers. when i am quiet enough, i hear their voice within me.

i took this picture of burdock, in a field near my house on a dreary day last week. i was struck by how radiant it felt-- a little expansive ray of light- beauty to behold in our own dark season.

plus, i've been too busy with school-work to be a blog-star, so i thought i'd tide you over with a visual.

coconut rose love oil

i suddenly have way too many ideas about what to write about... man, this shit's addicting. i've officially become one of those people, who has to carry a notebook in their pocket everywhere they go- so i can write down all my dreams, visions and insights. for those of you who know me, this is somewhat difficult as i am on strict skirt and dress only wardrobe kick (until farm season hits again). Damn.
so now i am one of those people who has to wear a belt everywhere i go, with my hipster fanny pack attached-- so i can keep my little book of inspirations and my camera ready, to give visual to my journey.

I'll try and keep it to one topic though-- of the many things i feel excited about lately-- okay, really just from the last few hours. umm, have become narcissistic so quickly?
no, but really, it's like i am permanently caffeinated (but without the caffeine)-- but, truthfully I am more likely high on life. my near constant excitement has gone so far as to allow only the lightest state of sleep vivid with dreams, if any sleep at all, and I am up early in the morning ready to GO! i am not used to having this much life pumping through my veins.

damn, is this what it really feels like to love life? i am praying if i ever come down off this high, it hits me gently. well, here in the northeast, its warming enough for the sap to start running--- and i am running with it!

so today, i settled into my new home (if you call running around from project to project in a constant state of dance, "settling in")-- and did one of the most enjoyable activities i can think of- I made things, all day long and used my hands to create! I tended to my sourdough starter. I made a new batch of kombucha. I stood still hovering over the stovetop for twenty whole minutes, straight! (which is hard to do with my new found enthusiasm) making a dank batch of ghee (dank-- like the good kind, not like the moldy basement kind). and finally, I made one of my favorite creations ever- coconut rose love oil!

okay, so i totally love all things fat and oily-in so many ways. in my vegan years, i became addicted to coconut oil and shamelessly indulged in it daily and now as an ecstatic ex-vegan, I have discovered how amazing ghee is. between the two of them-- i use them in all my cooking and also all over my body. I plan to share several stories about fats in the future- and hope to correct all the misinformation around them-how terrible of a rap they have gotten. partly i think this is due to the profit driven product makers and partly due to our own cultural fat phobia. both of those negative forces-- which really feed each other- are strictly based on ignorance and inaccurate information. but more of that another day.

coconut oil (semi-solid or liquid fruit fat) is my favorite massage oil. i can't even begin to explain how luxurious it is. plus it smells so ridiculously sexy.

yummmmmmmmmmmmm!

So, a few months ago i decided to combine my love of all things coconut & all things rose-- and made a batch of this decadent rose infused coconut oil. insert millions of exclamations here- this shit's the shit! there was like a magical love party in my kitchen. making it is almost as sexy as using it!

so, beyond what i have already shared with you about my love of roses, rose petals and flowers-- as we all know, and have had shoved down our throats by those trying to comodify our feelings-- are associated with love and romance. They are also wonderfully medicinal on both an energetic and physiological level. Roses are cooling, anti-inflammatory, astringent (toning to the skin and mucus membranes)and help cool all sorts of hot-irritated skin ailments. On an energetic level, the same applies. Roses cool heated and inflamed emotions like irritation and anger, while toning or giving gathered strength to our feelings. A massage with rose oil, is one of the greatest remedies to calm an agitated body and mind. To add to yesterday's post, rose oil would be an amazing way to love your premenstrual bod.

Coconut oil is also considered cooling (in the same ways) and may even be anti-viral (on an energetic note, viruses are generally considered to be "hot" conditions in the body). It also is soothing, softening and moistening-- and just fucking delicious. In Ayurveda, both roses and coconut are considered toning and pacifying to "pitta" types as well as "pitta" symptoms (more on Ayurveda later- and how uncomfortable it can make me as a privileged "westerner" to think I might be contributing to a mass cultural appropriation. For now, I share those last thoughts from personal experience-- and for that reason, feel good passing them on).

I add a tiny bit of jojoba oil to this blend-- to keep the final product a little softer than plain coconut oil- which will harden at low temperatures. in most of the poorly heated households i have lived in this oil ends up pretty semi-solid- but melts at body temperature-- go ahead read into this, it's hot! Jojoba oil is not a true oil, but actually a liquid ester wax (lets call it fat!) that almost mirrors the human sebum-our skins natural coating. Jojoba oil softens the skin, while still allowing it to breath and is incredibly healing for stubborn skin ailments.

Now...here's how it's done. Sorry for the lack of measurements. I like to make this oil in a double boiler, bringing the water in the bottom part to a boil, then turning it down to a low simmer. In the upper pot, i add several scoops of coconut oil and a splash of jojoba oil (about 1/3 the amount of the coconut oil) and let them melt before adding a handful of rose tops or petals. I have only used dried petals, as it's what I have had on hand- but in the summer I'd love to use the fresh petals from the rosa rugosa (as a hint when fresh plant material in oils, as a general rule, I would let the fresh petals dry wilt overnight- so they end up somewhere between fresh and dry- and less likely to contain excess moisture). The most important things to note about making an infused oil this way, is to make sure the herbs are fully covered with oil-- as any plant part sticking out could introduce moisture and bacteria from the air (same goes for keeping the lid off, as the condensation would collect and drip into the oil), and not to heat the oil TOO much. You don't want it to be boiling, but gently heated, because you'd end up losing the volatile oils in the roses- that which makes them both smell amazing and gives them their magical medicine. The scent is the essence of the rose!

Today, I let my oil infuse for about an hour and a half-- but feel free let it go longer- up to four hours. i usually take it off the heat, when i visually notice that the plants in the oil just look "spent"-- like they've lost their essence. Pour the liquid oil immediately into a jar, filtering it through a cheese cloth or strainer. I like to add a few drops of rose essential oil directly to the jar at this time-- don't add it any earlier or the scent will evaporate with the heat; but this is optional as the oil smells pretty rose-y on its own. Cap the jar, and let cool (up to24 hours) to solidify.

A hint about cleaning up: Cleaning up oil can be hard-- but as a lover of oil and an ex-grease (for fuel) collector, (read: several hours of collecting, filtering and making a mess with this shit from the local restaurants, every week. I was like living in a permanent state of grease!) I have learned a trick or two about getting that heavy stuff out and away (fryer oil is not an oil that makes my heart sing, I'll just say here). The first thing I like to do, is give everything a good wipe-down with paper towels, newspaper (both which you can compost) or a cloth (i keep packing tissue and napkins just for this reason and they go in my herbal product making kit-i am such an herb geek). Then without adding any water, I add dishsoap to all the oily items and give them a "dry wash" with only the soap and slightly damp sponge-- oil will bind with oil (which soap is made of), but separate from water. Then I go ahead and wash them with really HOT water.

Okay, so really my first cleaning method is to take off all my clothes, and wipe off all the excess oil from the double boiler, and soak it up in my skin. Getting warmed up yet? :)

One day I had a friend stop in, to find me completely naked making cream in my kitchen. Um, excuse me, could you put some of that on my back?

Final step, if you haven't already... is to slather yourself with that goodness and love it up- feel it! With yourself and with those lucky enough to share your body! and let it all go! I find one of the sexiest things about this oil, is its ability to help me feel calm, cooled and centered-- and free to express my feelings!

mmm, and i imagine it would go quite well with coconut bliss-- (for those of you who havent been introduced to this truly BLISSfull coconut-milk ice cream-- you don't know what you're missing. it might change your life. this is not an understatement. oh, and i am totally their unofficial spokesperson-- just passing on the coco b love here)! when are they coming out with their rose flavor anyway?

disclaimer: it is called love oil, but please note if you are thinking of using it as lube, that any oil-based products are not meant to be used with latex barrier methods, as oil will break down and decrease the life and safety of the latex- which, frankly, is not sexy. If you are using polyurethane barrier methods, this oil would be fine to use (which oil does NOT break down). I can post recipes and info in the future about herbal water based lubes-- as well as other fabulous sex positive info, links and musings. Edible body butter anyone?

the flow of life

Since I started blogging (wow, did I just say that?) I have had several flashes a day of stories I could tell, insights and knowledge I could pass on, ways I could intermix the personal with the political through shared words. But I am not in the habit of writing- but rather in the habit of letting it all stew up there, on a steady simmer, cooking slowly-and when it’s good and done, perhaps I’ll share. But lately something has really moved me-- I have really felt things more deeply than I have allowed in the past. I find myself walking around in near constant openness and excitement- and I keep having these incredible clear insights about my process and our process as humans and I surprise myself, by really wanting to share.


So, I am making the commitment to start writing some of it down- try my hand at doing some external processing. Writing has always been a longer process for me-- I don’t know if I’ve ever wrote a single rough draft in my life, but I’ve come to see that I am constantly drafting my thoughts, creating paragraphs and merging topics; it just happens internally. In some ways I am quite impressed by the amount of sorting and juxtaposition my brain can allow before letting it out in words or expression (and sometimes even better, I let my mind stay out of it and free those raw unprocessed messy feelings in their whole form).


So while all those stories are brewing and forming-- I’ll keep my head out of it and just share my day-to-day process, which feels easy with where I am at currently. I am wicked premenstrual- and I love the feelings that come around my moon time, at least when I am gentle with myself. I always feel so exposed, so open at this time- I am still figuring it out, after all these years as a person whose body has a designated monthly process and release (bless goddess). But only recently am I able to articulate, what has often made me feel so uncomfortable premenstrually: my body just wants to let things out, and I don’t fully embody that. It’s hard, it’s risky, and as womb-en we have had to rise up strong against so much negativity and lack of ritual and sacredness in regards to our cycles. But we move, like all things- the ocean, the waves and tides, the moon and the seasons of life-- and if we don’t allow that, we disturb that natural flow of life and create imbalances- in our bodies, in our worlds, in our culture.


So I am trying to dedicate myself with the tone of deepest self-respect, to letting myself have that emotional release that comes up every moon cycle, and also to not let anything too intense in. As a life long feeler and especially as an excelled crier, I have the personal experience to say that not letting things out, that need to come out, can be extremely painful and damaging. and I realized what was making me so goddamn uncomfortable right before bleeding every month, is that I didn’t feel I let myself truly allow that flow of release.


So, I’ve always been one to feel a little enraged, when well-meaning folks, tell their bleeding allies to not take those feelings that come up at “that time of the month” (grr!) too seriously…. “just let a few days pass and you’ll feel better.” While, I recognize some truth in this for myself, and know its not exactly the ideal time to make life altering decisions or get too lost in my emotions, I think those feelings are as valid as any other. What gets confusing is how we react to them.


My deepest wish is to simply HAVE feelings, SHARE them and feel SAFE in doing so. To me it’s just a process- and sometimes all we need to do is let them go, to give them the respect they deserve. Feelings aren’t static, their job is to ebb and flow, and make the most of themselves. But to express anger, does not make you angry, to express grief does not make you a sad person-- you’re just someone experiencing those particular feelings and doing your job to best play them out. And I have learned to hold back many feelings, based on those reactions (my own included) that are associated with them. This can be particularly challenging when I am about to bleed-- when all I wanna do is let my feelings out, be gentle with myself and move on. I don’t want those feelings to be held to me, or label me. So if that external processing can’t happen with a caring, trustworthy friend or lover-- well, it all goes back to what I am always trying to really get at --that I am trying so hard to be my own best friend, and all those things can happen within myself, with myself and for myself. and damn, it feels good.


Right now what I really want, is to be held and comforted and weep-- and let it all go in the presence of the sweetest love.


So, I do that in my own way. I journal. I give voice to my feelings. I give myself the most loving massages. I let things touch and move me and let myself pour those feelings out. I make myself nourishing herbal teas and soak in the tub next to warm candlelight, and cuddle up with my hot water bottle at night and let myself feel love. and most importantly I move through things. Its amazing what can come up every month-- it can be quite a surprise to find long “forgotten” feelings that have been hiding out deep in my blood and spirit, suddenly surfacing within the safety and sweetness I offer them. I fucking love having a womb!



It’s funny- this was actually going to be an entry about making herbal infusions :) as I was inspired by a sweet and simple blend I had made when I started to feel the first twinges of uneasiness under my skin and cramping in my body. As, I write I am sipping on oat top, mugwort and rose tea- and it has reached me on exactly the level where I wanted to be touched-- and let this gentle flow of words spill out. I think this is one of the immense beauties of plants and our relationships to them-- if we allow them to, they will really touch us and see us, and gently move us, where we need to be moved. I was going to share some of my favorite recipes and comfort measures for painful cycles, but I feel pretty released for now and we can get into that at another time. I've got some self-care to do. Trust yourself. and do yourself and all of us an incredible honor-- let yourself feel and be moved. You are safe. You are loved.


It’s bath time.


on a final note, I wanted to express my deepest gratitude for all my friends and family who have taken an interest in my online explorations and story telling. I am in complete awe of the amount of support, love and encouragement I have received in a few short days of this journey.

roots of a rose petaled uprising

there came a time when the risk to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom. anais nin


I wanted an association of movement, when thinking of what to name this new undertaking, what we call a blog; as I hope it serves as a force to move me. But my endless search for a positive and inspiring definition of “uprising” eluded me. In my first round of searching I was discouraged by words like violent, futile and short lived. I want my personal uprising to continue raising me towards my highest self-- which I imagine to be a life long journey -- I want it to be empowering, bursting with life and beautiful enough to move one to tears. Upon further searching, I gleaned some inspiration from the definitions and adapted them to my movement.


uprising : organized opposition to authority; a conflict in which one faction tries to wrest control from another.

synonyms : rebellion, insurrection, revolt, rising.


This blog was partially enkindled by a late night of internet travel-- lost in the world of this so called web- I stumbled across an informative and gorgeous herbal blog by a fellow plant loving friend of mine. I was thoroughly impressed and totally inspired. I have never before followed a blog, nor much less had any interest in them; in fact I perceived them to be a little self-indulgent and narcissistic (though indulge, I will- it’s hard to hold back excitement for the things I both love and find important to share). But this one was different; to say that I was inspired is also to say it gave rise to something in me-- a connection was made. It seemed like a wonderful possibility for my own self-growth.

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I am a budding herbalist, having dabbled in the study of plants more “informally” for many years and now suddenly finding myself in the midst of a formal clinical herbalist training program here in north-central vermont, my home for the next few years. I have found the first month of my program challenging and a bit of a change in reality. Let me explain. The classes themselves and the structure are certainly nowhere near rigorous- it’s just that there is so much to know. and I think there always will be- especially with what you love- the learning and trails and pathways of this type of exploration are endless. But it feels a bit overwhelming-- especially because one part of me is itching to just go ahead already, and be that superstar herbalist, or that amazing plant buff. I want to be able to answer all the complex and varied questions that get thrown my way as an extremely out of the closet plant lover-- like NOW! I want to understand how the body works, how the plants work, how people work and how they all synergize together. and another part of me strives to really enjoy the process. or so these are things I’d like to believe……

I’ve been uprooted for the past several years (if not much longer)- traveling the world so to speak, crossing the terrains & landscapes of life. These journeys have solidified what I truly consider to be our human needs- plants (who provide our food, shelter, oxygen, clothing, medicine), water, love and each other (all creatures of this earth). More recently in just the past two years having decidedly given up flying, I’ve crossed the country a mere thirteen times!!! (moment of pause)-- by means of train, car, thumb, bike and VW bus (I count these as any journey of 2000 plus miles with a significant amount of belongings in tow). You could certainly say I have been looking for something……many some-things. But in the process of searching I have also been in the process of unfolding my self. As much as I try not to- as much as I try and remain that intact body of substance- I’ve been coming to my core, my center- and to the end of this form that once resembled “me” but now looks more one long rolled out piece of thread spread in all directions or a million pieces of a complicated puzzle-- exposed in its nakedness and waiting to me made into something more complete and whole. or perhaps, on a rare glimpse, what shines through is purity and light: truth.


It’s a funny thing to travel from place to place and manage to keep some sense of identity intact. It can be challenging- and I’ve noticed this amazing pattern. I am on about a two to three week cycle here- I try not to stay anywhere for too long. At about the two-week marker on my visit to any given place- I start getting this itchy, uncomfortable feeling humming through my body. I start to have doubts and insecurities and feel myself losing steam-- and then, all of a sudden (read: week three) I am overwhelmed with the knowledge that all the shit I carry with me, that I’ve always carried with me- all the emotional baggage that lives with me under my skin-- can’t be left behind from one place to the next. It certainly seems like it can- just drop it all off and book it- full speed ahead-- but to my great surprise (even still after all these years) it comes trailing behind- often just a little delayed. I took the shorter route, and it got caught up in traffic-- but ultimately we end up in the same place, staring at each other with unblinking eyes.

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I have taken a great interest, post public school and following a brief spell in college-- in what is referred to by many autodidacts or self-taught, as “unschooling”. I didn’t so much drop of out school, as they say, but rose up. I read “The Teenage Liberation Handbook” by Grace Llewellyn the week after making the choice to leave school- after leaving “what I was supposed to be doing at that age” and whatever security came with it, including a specific amount of emotional support from my elders-- and the words of encouragement and stories within opened up my world. It was like this amazing reassuring hug, a confirmation of life. Someone was telling me I was on the right path, when so many people where saying something quite different.


At first I was angry (well, this is one of the first steps in the grieving process right?) and then, even worried it was too late for me to be one of those highly motivated, ambitious, incredibly smart self-taught creatures that I so admired. But I am not much of an angry person, so I turned next to something I felt more familiar and safer-- tools I had been using for years “successfully” and really quite mastered…… guilt, lack of confidence and negative self-talk. I take much responsibility for this myself, but also I blame public schooling. School is one of the first places we are taught whether or not we measure up, whether or not we are enough… smart enough, capable enough, interesting enough-- and whether or not we have what it takes to be on top, to be admired and approved. Where we are shown the “effective” and “motivating” tools to help us become our highest selves- grades to measure our lack of worth, tests to see how much we “really” know or how good we are at knowing what they tell us to know and being what they want us to be. We are talked down to for bringing our true interests into our lives (reading a novel during science class, drawing artwork during math class), for not doing as we are told, for not really engaging in one topic as much as the ones that really grab us. Where we are taught to believe what there is to learn, lies in the power of authority and in the books of scholars and not in everyday life.

So, with the tools I learned in my domestication-- but with a new and more hopeful spin on the learning process itself- I started to call myself an unschooler- I started to really think about where my passions lay, where I found beauty and what I wanted to do with my time here- in this life I was given. But, it was a slow process-- and guilt crept in all around. I would spend whole days reading, “getting nothing done”- indulging in my new-found free time. It proved surprisingly hard to just do wanted I want to do- day after day.


And I felt guilty too- because I didn’t feel like I was really learning anything. I devoured books on health and healing. I read Dr. Christiane Northrup’s “Women’s Bodies, Women’s Wisdom” and herbalist Rosemary Gladstar’s “Herbal Healing for Women” in a matter of days. I felt a notable kick of excitement about connecting with nature, learning from plants, and learning how to heal and how to prepare herbal medicine. I had had an interest in herbs for years, since my mom studied under Rosemary Gladstar herself and had introduced herbal medicine into our home, just a few years earlier. And I used herbs and truly believed in their healing powers, but there was an entire world of beauty and intricacy in the realm of plants and healing that was out there waiting be explored. I loved reading those books, but I treated it like school or how I engaged in school- I would finish a book and move on and not really do anything significant with that new found knowledge (minus the fact that I could now make some decent herbal tea) and could easily forget everything I read, except that it touched me, somewhere deep within, in a way other things didn't. But, I let the negative self- talk rule. I was losing hope and structure-- and felt unmotivated.



I had read that the kids who happily dropped out of high school often spent the first several months to full year, “doing nothing” - practicing complete freedom, while their parents sat on the sidelines either with great trust or fear, but that they eventually found their “way” again. They became motivated, engaged learners- especially when they really figured out how it is they actually learned or when they figured out that how they already chose to live their lives was filled with great lessons. I felt a lack of enthusiasm weighing me down and wondered if my time would come. Again I partially blame public schooling-- I did not know how to structure my own life, how to find the resources I needed to learn, how to actually engage in my learning and how to best find that for out myself. Sure I knew how to use a library, do research and find a certain amount of physical resources- but what next? and what about all the ways to know and to learn that public schooling hadn't already taught me? For over thirteen years, I had been told how, when and in what way to do everything. I’d spent most of my life- without my consent (without my enthusiastic YES!) inside, all day, interacting mostly with people in my own peer group, and not out in the real world- engaging like a functional, interactive, inspired human being with a variety of friends and companions and self-motivated interests.

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So to make a long story a bit shorter, I set out on a quest to figure out how it is that I best learn. Well, in truth I didn’t know exactly that this was the path I was on- and in fact I’ll probably be on it for life- it is the path of life.


And damn, it all sounds so good and lovely- following your dreams, following that path, but it’s not so easy-- there’s a lot of undoing, unwinding and breaking down to be done. Positive role models seemed few and far between-- and I was so set on doing it unconventionally. But in truth, I continued in a relatively conventional way for a some time; I belittled and scolded myself in the ways I learned in the public school system, feeling I was never smart enough. I participated in so many meaningful activities, but since my realization that the way I was living and expected to be living, wasn’t how I wanted to be, it took me a great while to rouse from the deep slumber I had been in since childhood- and it’s taken much longer to truly begin to engage in my education. To really get in there and take risks. And I’m not even close yet- the potentials are limitless.


So, I’ll tell you perhaps the most important thing I learned over the years and am still learning everyday…… to be kind and gentle with myself, to treat myself the way I would want any positive force in my life to treat me, to treat myself the way I would treat any friend if they felt discouraged or disheartened-- that is, with the deepest love, great belief, trust and faith in their amazing abilities. I would hold them in my arms and tell them, they were beautiful and I would really believe that. I mean if we really listen to ourselves, and the ways we can beat ourselves up- I think very few of us would treat someone else, especially a dear friend, in the same harsh way. It would be abuse.


and dammit! its taken me sooo long to see that above all, this, the one of the least effective tools I can think of- this self-abuse that passes as so completely normal- if I really want to help myself fully become the highest most beautiful version of myself.

amen!


and damn, I’d better well make good friends with myself- because we are constant companions- we go everywhere together. Sometimes we are all we have.
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Then one day, I just got it (well, conceptually anyway). I had been in an abusive relationship with someone for several years, and I’ll say now that for me to be in an abusive relationship with someone else, was to be in one with myself-- because I didn’t take my own value and worth seriously. On some subtle level this relationship outwardly mirrored the ugly ways in which I thought about myself; it confirmed the ways in which I saw myself as incapable. In the recovery period, I felt this incredible freedom and really began to act on for the first time in years, what I wanted to be doing. What came to me was…. I want have real to life experience with what I love. I want to travel…..far away….and I want to farm.... and I want to work with plants. I want to feel free and silent, but I also want to continue learning skills that keep me on the path towards service and self-sufficiency and interdependency.


So before I packed up my life and jumped a plane across the seas- I was accepted, at the very last minute into a short term "apprenticeship" with Rosemary Gladstar, a very full week (aka herbal bootcamp) of herbal studies and exploration in Vermont. This was something I had thought doing for years, but hadn't really owned it. I met plants, I met people, I got a feel for what more hands-on learning looked like and generally saw real excitement pulsing through the veins of all of us- learners and teachers, one in the same. We were hooked on plants and where our excitement led us, was real learning. And I feel in love with Vermont-- I had this strange feeling, like I was "home."


Then I crossed the sea to Italy where I harvested olives for oil, for three beautiful enchanting weeks- and loved every sweet, luxurious minute of it. I love olive oil and I use it all the time, as food and medicine. There was not much more of a reason for wanting to have this experience- strictly because I want to really know and connect to the processes of life, especially that which I love. Also, I can not understate the importance of connecting to what we put in our bodies and on our plates and what comes from the earth. At the end of the season there, I decided to head to Portugal- where the weather was still warm and there was more farm work to be done. It felt like a mistake immediately, and when I arrived I got an unanticipated bad feeling about my host. On a very subtle level, I didn’t trust him; I didn’t know why, I couldn’t place it- but he didn’t feel completely safe. We started work the following morning and enjoyed each others company reasonably- as we started to work side by side, day after day, in the garden, on the land and eventually moving on to some building projects. I wasn’t completely happy- certainly not enchanted- but keep thinking, and knowing there was something to be learned there despite really wanting to just up and go. But I held strong and started to learn a lot of new skills; I used a lot of tools- most new to me and really let myself be vulnerable in my learning process.


As a female-socialized being, I have come up against a lot of gender assumptions in regards to learning and who-does-what in my culture, and perhaps I’ve felt this even more strongly in the counterculture of the west coast- where I’d been living for most of my adult life. There’s nothing worse, than a seemingly helpful male bodied person overly engaged and set on being instrumental in my empowerment as a woman, via using tools or learning new skills that have been typically relegated to biological males. Its so unattractive- it doesn’t feel safe to me- and it has yet to be a useful way for me to overcome sexism- in fact, it seems to just reinforce the externalized sexism present in our culture and really my own internalized sexism and oppression.

Working along side this man, mixing cement, plastering, creating, measuring, building, it came as the greatest surprise-- that my own attitudes and actions and feelings contributed to this great force: sexism and oppression, and the pain and suffering associated with them. I had really learned quite well to check out, when being shown more “male” oriented tasks-- perhaps not believing I was smart enough to get it (and getting that vibe from my culture too) and I had really learned to keep myself safely on the outskirts of my interests-- instead of taking a risk, getting involved and failing, or worse, looking stupid. Then one day we were mixing up some earthen plaster and applying it to a garden door frame we’d been working on- and I was really enthralled in the activity, excited by my new undertaking- the textures and feel- and paid a complement to my teacher on his teaching skills. I really felt he treated me like an equal and was just happy to pass on skills to me, without letting any concepts of gender "shoulds" and "shouldn'ts" stand in the way. What I had been feeling was my own internalized sexism rearing it's ugly head. But, I was having such a good time learning with him and feeling so safe in that environment- of one-on-one, hands-on training. Without a moment’s hesitation he said to me “Well, you are really easy to teach. You get things fast; you’re a natural.”


Now I don’t know if anyone had ever said this to me, or if my own disbelief, deeply engrained in my being, shouted more loudly than any compliment I’ve been given, but I believed him....and it felt good. Or at least I considered believing him. Imagine that, I thought, he thinks I am a fast learner- that I really get things. Damn, fooled him. But I did feel more confident in myself and the work we were doing. That night, alone in my cabin- over the evening ritual of tea and warmed by the woodstove-- I thought, what if I told myself that? Everyday? What if I talked to myself like that? What if I said, Laurel, you are such a good learner. You learn well, and you really get things. You are so capable. I don’t think I had ever said that to myself-- even if I had, those statements probably would have been significantly outnumbered by the number of times I told myself exactly the opposite. How would my life be different if I gave myself this possibility? How would I interact with the world? how would it change me? and how would it alter the reality of my capabilities? Now, I wasn’t planning on going around thinking I was the shznit, all the time, and I don’t mean to say either that I walked around my whole life shit-talking myself,- but damn, wouldn’t it be so much easier to be a good learner if I really believed I was a good learner?!!

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But it's one thing to recognize what looks good for you, and another to really integrate it-- and especially to really overcome a lifetime of bad habits. I went back to the states, my last plane ride ever(?)- I kept up the exploration of self. I fell in love, with people, with plants, with service to others, with herbal medicine and healing-- but I isolated myself, I lost confidence in my abilities, got lost in the troubles I find when I spend too much time doing my own thing- when I spend too much time in fear, unwilling to engage. Which is to say, I am still not all that skilled at just doing my own thing- I am still not highly motivated on my own. I used to be hard on myself for that-- but then I realized I really need people in my life- to inspire me, to engage with, to bring spice and connection to my life and stoke that fire within. and fuck society! for keeping that from me- for making me believe the ultimate goal is total independence! fuck society, for allowing romantic relationships to be the most acceptable source of deep connection, bonding and feeding. I want that from all around!! I want that from all things!


In the midst of these dark days, weeks, months- the darkest I have ever had- I lost real connection to myself, to land, to spirit and to purpose. the days were a blur and I was lost in this weighted darkness, forcing myself to do the minimal every day- just get up and move in my body. In the middle of all this, I took a walk one day, to the end of a my driveway, retrieved a letter from a dear friend, and walked a little ways further reading his loving words. At the very moment I finished reading the letter, I stopped walking, stood still, and my eyes were drawn to a bright flower I had never before seen on the Wisconsin roadside. One single slightly damaged, radiant pink, wild rose lay nestled amongst dull shrubs and grass, vibrating with life. It was the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. I felt a surge in my heart and shed tears of both joy and grief. I knew that flower was there for me- it appeared right there, right at that moment, just to tell me something. I felt like I had just seen a long lost friend, one I didn’t even know I had. I bent over, kissed this steady flower- and with a little light in my step- returned home to look it up in a flower essence book.


The Flower Essence Repetory by Patricia Kaminsky and Richard Katz reads:

“Physical incarnation in a body is a experience fraught with difficulty and struggle, and for the Wild Rose flower essence personality the effort hardly seems worth making. Such apathy suppresses the soul’s interest in life, and cuts off the individual from his or her inner source of healing. This flower essence is very helpful for those who linger in long, drawn-out illness, and who seem to recover only fitfully and slowly. Wild Rose restores the vital forces of the soul, particularly its connection to the physical body and to the physical world, helping the individual regain an interest in earthly life.


This flower essence teaches that life is a sacred and precious opportunity which the soul must make every effort to embrace, if it is to find the true meaning of love and physical incarnation.”


I was completely struck-- something really deep inside me started to move. I thought about my purpose in life-- and what I had to give to the world. At the very core, I knew my deepest purpose was to be a service to people and to the plants-- and bring them together to heal each other. I had been so very lost from this in my own grief and depression. I had this visible reminder now-- and roses consumed my world. They helped soften the grief, they brought color, vibrancy and gentleness to my life, they brought the sweetest love and purpose. Well, okay, it didn’t all happen that quickly-- but it started to. I became fixated on roses. My friend later told me she had been at a workshop where a Plant Spirit healer had said, that we all have an empty space in our chest; perhaps we can’t even feel it-- and when we find the right plant, it fits right there in that space and completes us. Apparently I had been walking around with a wild rose shape hole in my chest all my life and not even known it. But I feel it there now, pulsing through me. Sweet whisperings of encouragement.


I moved on, I started gardens, I wildcrafted plants, I made medicine, I made love, I traveled, I cried, I really felt my body, I joined a free herbal clinic, I taught classes and spent a season working on a medicinal herb farm-- and above all, I healed, I stay connected to my purpose-- and I really loved myself. I rose up! oh, and I made it back "home" to Vermont (some odd thirteen trips later)! I continued to really learn-- to learn. I’ve discovered that I experience the greatest learning in touch, in sensation, in tactile experience- full bodied experience. To really learn something I have to know it with my body. Also, I have to share it- let it be known what I love- to let it touch other people, to propel that love and enthusiasm and tremendousness on and out into the hands of others.

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These pages and these sharings to come are one way for me to do this. So, I am once again “back in school”-- doing the formal training thing. It was a surprisingly easy choice to come to. I realized I needed a few things -- I need a supportive learning community of other herb enthusiasts and I needed other people to hold me accountable to that learning or I would continue to get lost in the darkness all alone. I realized this was a very specific and commited way for me to help more and more people- and truly be a force in their healing. I realized, to my counterculture surprise, that I wanted to work somewhat within a model of medicine that already exists in this culture. I want to understand the common language we already use in regards to our health and healing-- and above all I want to be apart of what will change all that, the uprising. I want to help make medicine available to ALL people; I want to make connection to the land and to plants, available to ALL people despite the constructs and barriers that now stand in the way. I want people to really know that plants heal. And people heal. This is the outward uprising- where we wrest control from the larger forces that be, and put it back into the hands of the people where it belongs.


It feels like a good choice to be in school, but I struggle with it too. I feel myself reverting to old patterns, to looking around my class and thinking everyone is smarter than me, more ambitious than me, more motivated than me. I find myself not knowing how to integrate my lessons- the lectures- all the hand- off stuff. But this is something that I really want to know, and feel-- and I don't want to sit back on the sidelines and expect that my learning will happen for me. I wanna be it! I take responsibility for all this--- and I'm dreaming and scheming up how to really embody all this learning and all this power. I am capable of so much. I have so much to offer.


So, this is also the inward uprising where I continue to work toward really knowing and loving myself, and where the most beautiful, highest version of myself wrests to gain control and power over the version of myself that says that I am not good enough. I picture this to happen "petaled" or powered by the deepest love and compassion-- and may the path be softened by the sweetness and gentleness that I have found in that rose, deep in my heart, as I remain connected to my purpose. My rose petaled uprising. This budding herbalist is ready to burst open in bloom.


I will exit with a final quote by Marianne Williamson.

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”